Sunday, February 21, 2010

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My Sex Life Part Two

Every night, since age four, I had knelt down and prayed. With my elbows atop my bed sheets, I weaved my hands into one large fist, closed my eyes, and bowed my head. I prayed for my parents to find happiness. They were divorced, lived miles away from me, and despised each other. I prayed for my grandmother’s health. We lived together and I feared the uncomfortable day that I might find her dead. After Madison opened her pants, I also prayed for her, that she would find her way to the gospel and not be so confused by the sins of the world. Whenever I prayed for Madison, I saw her lime and white striped panties. I started to pray with my eyes open, so I could focus on God and not sin. This worked for a while, but eventually Madison and her panties leaked into the back of my head. The smell of fabric softener was in my sheets. I wondered if Madison used Downy on her underwear. I tried to refocus, to ask the Lord to bless my grandmother with health and strength, but my nose drifted lower, sucking in Downy Herbal Lavender. I resisted the urge to shove my face into the sheets.

Mom and Dad expressed their love to me over the phone. The copper wire filtered all but their voices. Grandma gave tender hugs that left moisturizer on my cheek. But our best conversations were about Diagnosis Murder and the weather. My parent’s love was audible but not physical and my grandmother’s love was affectionate but lacked intimacy. I longed for someone to connect with. I reached out to my faith searching for something to fill the gap, but I was starting to wonder if the church never would. As I prayed that night the longing for comfort was still there.

At the age of 12, Mormon boys are given the option to be ordained with the Aaronic Priesthood. There is a hierarchy, and the Aaronic Priesthood is below the Melchizedek Priesthood, which is needed to enter the holiest of all places, a Mormon Temple. The Aaronic Priesthood allowed me to participate in sacred priesthood ordinances such as preparing and blessing the Sunday sacrament. I had accepted this calling and in doing so, made covenants with God to keep myself pure and sanctified, and act in the name of the Lord.

I tried to think about the covenants that I had made, to use the power of the priesthood to force Madison from my thoughts. The difficulty was that the Aaronic Priesthood was intangible. I could not smell it, hold it, or place my lips upon it.

Whenever I closed my eyes, Madison lingered seductively, lounging on my bed teetering the tattered condom. Sex had been placed before me. Sex was sitting on the table and all I had to do was stretch out my hand and grasp it. Sex had eaten at my inhibitions like a cavity in a molar.

I asked God to remove Madison’s panties from my mind. I told Him that all I wanted was for a girl to hold me. Was that so wrong? I crawled into bed and closed my eyes. I rubbed the fitted sheet with my palm and imagined taking the condom from Madison, lowering her underwear, and making it happen. 


2 comments:

Kara Garbe said...

Nice! I like your vivid descriptions and the emotional tension inherent in situations that challenge our beliefs.

Mat said...

Ditto on Kara. What I'm noting more is the realism in the actions. There's a strength in the way you describe the increasing tendency to pray lower to get nearer the scent of the sheets. It's subtle enough that you do not need to dedicate a lot of 'page space' to it, but specific enough that the reader can sense the action. Sort of feel the likely actions that we'd be doing if placed in the same situation. That's tough to do without overwriting.