Friday, December 20, 2013

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Sometimes Marriage is Gross

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Your husband will one day crack wind that is so rank you will have to step outside.

About three months into your marriage your wife will run out of toilet paper. She will need you to hand her a roll through the door.

Early in your marriage you will live in a small cramped apartment with thin walls. When someone pees (husband or wife) the sound will echo in every room.

One day your wife will ask you to pick her up some feminine hygiene products on your way home from work. This will be your only reason to stop by the store, but you don’t want to be that dude standing in line holding a box of tampons, so you will buy several useless items: a new toilet cleaner, a large box of candy bars, a mystery novel, a box of peanuts, some breath mints, and so on… to hide your real reason for shopping.

During December, January, and February your wife will go long stretches of time without shaving her legs or/or armpits.

One day your husband will ask you to pop a large zit on his lower back, or upper thigh where the leg meets the butt.

About one month into your marriage your husband will casually reach down and scratch himself for much longer than what seems necessary. This will most likely happen in public: at the grocery store, mall, or church. Once this barrier has been broken, he will begin to scratch at will.

Your husband will leave skid marks in his underwear.

Your wife will leave sweat stains in her undershirts.

One day, as you and your husband snuggle in bed, your husband will fart and then throw the blankets over your head, trapping you in what he calls, “The Covered Wagon.” He will think his actions were funny. You will not.

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You would also enjoy, What I Love About Being A Husband.

Clint Edwards is a tutor coordinator at Oregon State University. He is also the former co-host of the Weekly Reader on KMSU and a graduate of the MFA program at Minnesota State University. His writing has been listed as notable by Best American Essays, and has been published in The Baltimore Review, and through The University of North Dakota, Boston College, Emerson College, The University of South Carolina, and Minnesota State University.