Thursday, January 30, 2014

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Sexual Innuendo: codes we use around our kids


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Mel and I usually use sexual innuendos around the house as a way to flirt without the kids knowing what we are talking about. Really anything can be turned into an innuendo as long as it is followed with a sly smile and raised eyebrows. We started doing this shortly after we had Tristan. But now that Tristan and Norah are six and four, and they are very interested in getting involved in our conversations, our innuendos have created some hilarious misunderstandings.

Below are some examples.

Mel: Thanks for vacuuming out the car. You might just have an appointment tonight.
Norah: Can I go to the appointment?

Mel: I melted the butter for the French bread.
Clint: You melt my butter.
Tristan: Ha! Ha! Mom doesn’t have butter.

Mel: Would you mind cleaning the waffle iron? We are having breakfast for dinner.
Clint: I’d like to clean your waffle iron.
Tristan: Mom’s waffle iron is broken.

Mel: You suck at loading the dishwasher.
Clint: I’m good at loading your dishwasher.
Mel: No you’re not.
Clint: Obviously I am. Look at you. You’re pregnant.
Norah: (speaking to Tristan): Daddy’s good at loading Mommy’s dishwasher.

Mel: We haven’t had an appointment for a while.
Clint: Yeah… We should make one for tonight.
Tristan: Is Mommy going to the doctor? Is Mommy sick?

Clint (bending over to pull out a large pot to boil a ham): This stupid ham pot is stuck.
Mel: I like your ham.
Clint: Wow! Thanks, babe. I like your ham, too.
Tristan: I don’t like anyone’s ham!

Mel: Are you watching this? You’re going to burn the bacon.
Clint: You burn my bacon.
Mel: Nice. Well… I have a paper to write tonight, so you don’t get any of my bacon.
Norah: Mommy, can I have some of your bacon?

Clint: What are you putting in that? Corn? I hate corn.
Mel: I like your corn.
Tristan: No one likes Dad’s corn.

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in Huffington Post Parents, Huffington Post Weddings, and The Good Men Project. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.