Sunday, January 26, 2014

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Sometimes Kids Are Gross



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A message to prospective parents.

Someday your kids will discover that if they spit on their palm, wedge their hand in their armpit, and flap their elbow, it makes a fart sound. I’m sorry.

A blowout is when your child releases more poop than what a diaper can hold. After you experience a blow out, you will start to consider your baby to be a ticking time bomb that could, at any moment, overflow with bubblin' crude. You and your spouse will refer to a blowout as a “Code Brown.”

Every time I shampoo my carpets I wonder why rental owners contradict themselves by having a “no pets” policy, but not a “no kids” policy.

Your kids will fart on you. Regularly. They will think it’s hilarious. You will not.

One day you will be taking a bath and your six-year-old son and four-year-old daughter will come storming in. You will ask them about their day, school work, and friends: that sort of thing. And as they chat with you, it will become quickly apparent that they are not making eye contact, but rather staring at your genitals. You will ask them to look you in the eyes, and they will for a moment, but slowly their gaze will drift down, making things awkward, and you will realize that their innocence has been lost. When you ask them to leave, they will refuse. It will be then that you will start to lock the bathroom door.

If you have a baby boy, just assume that at least once while changing his diaper he will shoot pee onto your face, or into your mouth.

Your toddler will root around your backseat for old food (dried up fruit snacks, moldy fruit, stale bread, that sort of thing). One day they will find a rock hard, dusty, and a little bit hairy half eaten stick of string cheese, pop it in their mouth, and tell you how yummy it is.

Your son will go more than a week wearing the same pair of underwear. Once you discover this, you will use force to remove the underwear from him (he will refuse to change them himself). The smell from his crotch will be spectacular, and the skids in his underwear will be worthy of the Indianapolis 500.

One day your three-year-old daughter will poop in the tub. You will naively pull the plug under the assumption that it will just go down the drain. It will not. To remedy the problem you will need a lot of paper towels and some bleach.

One of your children will wipe their ass with their hand. Once again, I’m sorry.

You will one day be at a park and your five-year-old son will need to pee. No restrooms will be in sight, and no one will be around, so you will allow him to pee on a tree. This will cause him to become confused as to when and where to urinate, and result in a several months of him freely peeing in the backyards of friends and family.

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Clint Edwards is a tutor coordinator at Oregon State University. He is also the former co-host of the Weekly Reader on KMSU and a graduate of the MFA program at Minnesota State University. His writing has been listed as notable by Best American Essays, and has been published in The Huffington Post, and The Baltimore Review, and through The University of North Dakota, Boston College, Emerson College, The University of South Carolina, and Minnesota State University.