Norah, my-four-year-old daughter, likes to tell stories about when she was a baby. They are always hilarious, and always a little strange. Here are a few examples.
This one time, when I was a baby, I was eaten by a bear. But then I crawled out of the bear’s tummy. It was really hard, but I got out. And then I told the bear, “Don’t eat me!” And then the bear didn’t eat me. And then we ran far, far, far, far, far, far away, to a castle. And me and the bear got married, because he was a prince.
This one time, when I was a baby, when I lived in Cute Town, I went, “Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah!” Then the prince came and farted, and I said, “Don’t fart you stinky fart!” Then I farted. Then we all farted. And it smelled like poooooooooooo. Ha! Ha! Ha!
This one time, when I was a baby, I ate 1,000 forks.
This one time, when I was a baby, a spider crawled in my mouth. And I was like, “Hey, spider! Get out ‘a my mouth!” But it stayed in there for a million, million, million, years. But one day I ate the spider! And it made babies in my tummy. I just loved them.
This one time, when I was a baby, I slept for 500 days. Then I woke up, “Yawn!!!” And I wasn’t a baby anymore. I was peanut butter.
This one time, when I was a baby, I drove, and drove, and drove, and drove the car to Grandma’s. And when I got there Grandma said, “Babies don’t drive cars.” So I drove and drove and drove back home.
This one time, when I was a baby, mommy took me to the store and bought me candy and dolls and pencils and babies and gum and McDonalds and water bottles and computers and can openers and…(she went on for some time). And then I put them all in my baby diaper. And when I took them all out, they smelled like pee pee and farts, so I wrapped them up in a blankie and said, “Don’t worry little baby. I love you.”
You would also enjoy, What I Should’ve Known Before Marriage.
Clint Edwards is a tutor coordinator at Oregon State University. He is also the former co-host of the Weekly Reader on KMSU and a graduate of the MFA program at Minnesota State University. His writing has been listed as notable by Best American Essays, and has been published in The Baltimore Review, and through The University of North Dakota, Boston College, Emerson College, The University of South Carolina, and Minnesota State University.