Sunday, February 23, 2014

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Sometimes My Kids Act Like Drunks


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I have two kids. Tristan is six and Norah is four. And sometimes, they do strange things that remind me a lot of how a drunk might act. Below are a few examples.

A few weeks ago Norah was in her room, sprawled out on her bed crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, “I DON’T KNOW!” I sat on the lip of her bed and said, “In that case I can’t help you.” She calmed down suddenly, put her hands over my mouth, and said, “Shhhhhhhh. Don’t tell mommy.”

One month ago I was in the garage doing laundry. The garage door was open. It was noon in winter. Tristan stepped out into the garage naked and said, “This cold air is really making me need to pee.”

About a year ago Tristan and I were siting on the sofa watching a movie. Suddenly he stood, grabbed my face, and held it close to his. Then he said, “Dad, we should go to the zoo. I’ve always wanted to go there–do you want to go with me? I was thinking about going to the zoo really soon. Let’s go right now! They just had a baby tiger! A BABY TIGER!!” His eyes were a little crazy and his breath smelled like peppermint candy.

Last week I was giving Norah a bath. As I washed her hair, she grabbed my face, turned it to the side, and gave me a big wet kiss on the lips. Than she said, “I just freaking love you!”

I once found Norah curled up on the sofa pretending to cry. She was dressed like a drunk prom queen… or something, wearing a blue Disney play dress, one pink rain boot, black sweat pants, a backwards tiara, and red mittens.  When I asked her what was wrong she said, “No one will take me to the ball. I JUST WANT ALL THE BOYS TO LIKE ME!!” And when I said, “I’m very sorry.” Norah turned around, took my hand, looked me in the eyes, and said, “You like me? Don’t you, daddy?” Then she whispered, “Just say that you like me.”

Tristan has peed his pants in the back seat of my car.

Norah has thrown up in the back seat of my car.

One time Norah walked into the living room naked, smiling, and said, “I didn’t think I could do it, but I got all my clothes off!”

When Tristan was four, I found him with his pants around his ankles, urinating on a tree in his grandmother’s backyard. When I told him to stop, he looked back at me with a confused expression and said, “I thought that was okay.” And when I told him it wasn’t, he tried to pull up his pants mid-stream, but then fell over, made a mess of himself, and started crying.

How do your kids act like drunks? 

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in Huffington Post Parents, Huffington Post Weddings, and The Good Men Project. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo by Lucinda Higley