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Mel, the kids, and myself were at Tristan’s parent teacher
conference. Mel and I were in the little chairs, sitting at a big round table.
Across from us was Tristan’s first grade teacher, Mrs. Kay. Tristan was playing
with Legos on the other side of the classroom, and Norah (our four year old)
was sitting at one of the desks playing with the iPad.
Mrs. Kay was a tallish woman, with broad shoulders, curly
hair, and a wide smile. She always seemed to be walking the line between her
professional teacher persona, and her “I’m really excited about your
progression as a person!” persona. It’s a wonderful mix that seems just right
for a first grade teacher, but I get the feeling that if she were to drop
F-bombs at a customer service representative, they wouldn’t take her seriously.
“I don’t have much negative to say about you’re little guy,”
she said. “He’s kind of a dream student.” She went on to tell us about how he’s
doing math at a second grade level, his reading speed and comprehension was
more than double what it needs to be for a kid his age, and he responds well to
redirection. “I think he has a very bright future,” She said. “He could easily
go on to become a doctor.” She used words like brilliant and gifted.
I was a little surprised by this feedback. I wanted to say
to Mrs. Kay: “Do you realize that you are talking about a kid who likes to
smell his own farts?”
But I didn’t. Instead, I thought how, in first grade, I was
not like Tristan. I didn’t do well in math, reading was something I hated more
than anything (fact: I never read a novel until I was 21-years-old), I often
cried when criticized, and I ignored orders. I was a handful. I didn’t want to
have kids because I assumed they would grow up to be little shits like myself.
Plus, my mother often tells me that she hopes my son is just as horrible to
deal with as I was. She chants it like it’s a curse.
I knew that he didn’t get these qualities from me. They
must’ve come from Mel. However, I must say that Mel is bright. But she isn’t a
doctor. I think it’s safe to say that both Mel and myself are of average
intelligence. And I think I could say the same for our siblings and extended
family on both sides of our families.
The teacher went on for some time, praising Tristan, going
through his report card showing how he is above or on pace in all subjects. The
only thing negative she had to say about him was that he has poor handwriting.
By the end of the meeting, I was bursting with pride. I
don’t know if I’d ever been so proud of my son. Once we’d gathered our things,
shook the teacher’s hand, and went out for ice cream to congratulate Tristan on
his good report, I thought about Mindset.
I work at a university, and Mindset
is a hot topic in education right now. Just last week NPR ran three segments on Grit, an idea related to Mindset. There is also an amazing Ted talk on the
subject of Grit and Mindset by Angela
Duckworth.
Mindset is a way of looking at learning. In a nut shell (I
urge you to read the book yourself; I really can’t fully sum up the idea in a
blog post) it’s a way of teaching students that intelligence is not a fixed
thing. A person is not an IQ text, and people are not born with a static
intelligence. Rather, Mindset teaches that the brain is more like a muscle and,
if worked on, will grow smarter over time.
A big part of Mindset is to not tell students that they are
smart, or gifted, but to rather complement them on their work ethic. Help them
to understand that intelligence comes from hard work and not God’s gifts.
Because, you see, being labeled smart has a lot of
drawbacks. It places a person on a pedestal, and if they take risks, they might
fail, and lose the their smart status. Plus, when someone is gifted, they
shouldn’t have to work hard… right? Stupid people have to put effort into
something. Or at least that is what’s commonly understood. Things should come
easily for smart people, and if you have to put effort (a lot of effort) into
your learning, then you must be stupid. And mistakes? Well… smart people don’t
make those either. All of these ideas are, in fact, not true. Accomplished and
intelligent people work very hard and make many mistakes.
Mindset teaches that anyone can do well (or even excel) in
any subject with enough effort.
This is an idea I can really get behind on a personal level.
In high school, I was in remedial English. When I first started college at age
22, I didn’t know how to type and I’d never read a novel. I hand wrote all of
my papers during my first semester of college, and then Mel typed them.
However, my spelling was so poor, and my handwriting so confused, that she
couldn’t read my writing. We spent a lot of late nights with Mel at the
computer, and me sitting next to her, reading my paper out loud while she
typed.
Now, ten years later, I have an MFA in Creative Writing,
work at a university, and last month I was published in the New York Times. If
you are looking at the distance from zero, then I’ve come a long way, and it's
all because of effort: long nights of teaching myself how to type, forcing
myself to sit down and read, failing time and time again, finding ways around
obstacles, and learning to pick myself up and try again. I strongly believe
that intelligence has a lot more to do with work ethic than genetics.
I’ve been using Mindset with Tristan for some time, and I
must say that it’s too early to tell if his success truly is because of this strategy,
or if he really is just the right mix of genes. Perhaps I will never know. But
what I do know is that I hope Mindset is working, because if it is, then it
tells me that regardless of our genetics, we can all do amazing things.
But I must say, after meeting with his teacher, I had a
difficult time not telling him that he’s smart. In fact, I didn’t say much to
him about his report until we got home, and I’d had some time to think about
how to respond.
Tristan was in the tub. It was around 9:00 PM.
I leaned down on the lip of the tub.
“Tristan,” I said. “I want you to know that I’m really proud
of how hard you’ve been working in school. You’ve put in a lot of effort and it
seems to be paying off.”
I was trying to have a moment with him. He was looking up at
me, and I went to say more, but stopped once he let out a bubbly tub fart, took
in a deep breath, and said, “Mmmmm, that smells good.”
And in that moment, I thought about how his teacher called
him brilliant, I thought about Mindset and the hard work of learning, and
realized that he is going to have to put in a lot of hard work if he is going
to grow up to be a doctor.
You would also enjoy, I Think a Lot About Divorce.
Follow on Facebook and Twitter.
Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video
game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play
dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of
fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial
and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times Motherlode, Huffington Post Parents, Huffington Post Weddings, and The Good Men Project. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo by Lucinda Higley
1 comments:
Your struggles in school sound very similar to my husband's. He was told in high school by his guidance counselor that he wasn't smart enough to go to college and she wouldn't let him register for certain math classes offered at school because she said there was no need. He was in remedial classes also.
He transferred schools in high school and the counselors at the new school put him in the classes he was refused at his previous school and they told him to try his best and let's see what happens. He made an A in the math course. And also ended up on the math team.
Anyway, he graduated from Auburn University with a Bachelor's in Agriscience Education, now has a Masters and Specialist in Educational Leadership.
He just also got promoted to principal of his school. This has always been his ultimate goal.
He said I want to make copies of all my degrees and take them personally to his old counselor!!!
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