Tuesday, May 27, 2014

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Crazy Things Said The Week Before My Wife Gave Birth


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My wife had a baby two weeks ago. It was a crazy experience, and some crazy things were said (mostly by me). Here are a few examples:

Mel: I want to walk from the parking lot. Walking will make the baby come faster.
Clint: Seriously? What if the baby just falls out onto the ground?
Mel (whispering so the kids don’t hear): My vagina is not a trap door.

Nurse: Have you had intercourse in the past 24 hours?
Mel: No!
Me (chuckling): That would’ve been awesome.
Nurse (stone face): Hmmm.

Mel: The doctor said the baby isn’t ready to come yet. We have to come back on Thursday.
Norah (Age 4): No! You tell the doctor to cut my sister out right now!

Me: Are you excited to meet your new baby sister?
Tristan (age 7): I made a turtle with some rubber bands.
Me: You don’t care about this at all, do you?

Nurse: Have you ever had herpes?
Mel: Ahh… no…
Me: I’m glad someone finally asked you that question. It’s all out on the table now.
Nurse (stone face): Hmmm.

Nurse (handing me a thin white jump suit, mask, booties, and hat): You need to wear these in the delivery room.
Me: Do I wear this stuff over my clothes?
Nurse: Yes. I’d really appreciate it if you did.

Me: Sorry. When I get nervous, I make bad jokes.
Nurse: Obviously.

Sound of baby crying.
Mel (smiling): Did you hear that?
Me: Yes. We should probably get used to that sound. We’re going to be hearing a lot of it.

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times Motherlode, Huffington Post Parents, Huffington Post Weddings, and The Good Men Project. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo by Lucinda Higley


Karen Monkeyfooted Mummy said...

I once asked a nurse about the safety of sex after a serious I operation I was about to have, she kindly said just take it easy you'll be fine .... My husband said 'come on it's not like I'll be sticking it in her eye!' He too shares your nervous rubbish joke telling !