Friday, June 13, 2014

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My First Evening Alone With Three Kids (a trip through hell)



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I was home alone for the first time with three kids. Mel was out, registering our daughter up for soccer. My mother-in-law left two days earlier. Tristan, my seven-year-old, had come home from school early because he had a fever. He was sacked out on the sofa. Norah, my four-year-old, had wrapped herself in a bath towel and was telling me that she was the fairy princess.

And Aspen, our new baby was sleeping in the bouncer. I was in the kitchen, packing my lunch for the next day, feeling confident.

I’d heard so many parent bitch about how going from two kids to three kids was a real game changer. “They outnumber you,” was the biggest complaint. They spoke like they were co-captains on a boat. Having one extra crewmember turned the numbers, and suddenly there was a mutiny, and they lost command of the vessel.

I thought about our ship, and how two of the crewmembers were sleeping, and one was being cute, and wondered what was wrong with these other parents. This wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was enjoyable.

What a bunch of pussies, I thought

“You are the fairy king,” Norah said and then she bowed.

You bet your ass I’m the king, I thought.

She asked if I wanted to see her fly, and I said, “Sure.”

Norah ran into the living room, the towel on her arms spread wide like wings, and right into the bouncer. She didn't crash into it our anything; more of just a hard bump that was strong enough to wake the baby, and set in motion a trip through hell.

Aspen started crying, which woke Tristan. Now that he was awake, he remembered that he was sick. So he started moaning: long dramatic cries. Then he ran into the bathroom, and puked. Half of it got into the bowl; the other half ran down his shirt.

He sniffled and gagged, with big boogery cries.

I was holding the baby in my right arm, and rubbing Tristan’s back with the left. I was standing awkwardly, leaning to the right, trying to keep Aspen away from Tristan so she wouldn’t get sick. She was still crying, then she stopped for a moment, I noticed that she was trying to latch onto my bicep.

For the first time in my life, I wished I'd been born with breasts.

There is something about breast-feeding that makes me feel completely helpless. Our other two kids were bottle fed, and although Mel saw this as a mark of failure (she tried to breastfeed, but things kept getting in the way), I at least had more control over the situation. I could at least feed the baby. But right then, as Aspen rooted around for a nipple, I was 100% useless.

Tristan started gagging once again, and so did I from the smell of his puke. Then Norah, the fairy princess started tugging at the baby and saying, “What’s wrong baby? What’s wrong? Do you want me to kiss you?”

Norah really loves the baby. And it’s cute and wonderful that she want’s to be a big helper. But honestly, it’s a huge pain in the ass. And in this situation, she was maddening. I was trying to comfort Tristan and the baby, while doing my best not to puke, and suddenly Norah was yanking at my arm, about to flip me over, so she could ram her face into Aspen’s, pinch her cheeks, kiss her forehead, and say, “Don’t cry little baby. Don’t cry.”

For some reason Norah thinks this is parenting. She thinks this will help, when the last thing Aspen wants is another kid getting all kissy with her. What she wanted was someone with boobs, but no one in the house had them.

I snapped.

“Norah,” I said, “You’re not helping. Ok. Just leave the baby alone. Go watch a show on the iPad or something. I don’t want you getting sick, and you’re just making the baby angry.”

She looked up at me with big soggy eyes, the towel still wrapped around her arms like wings, and said, “I’m never talking to you ever again!”

Then she went into her room and started crying.

All three kids were crying now.

One needed food that I couldn’t give her. One was covered in vomit, and needed me to help change him. And the other needed comfort. All of them wanted me right then, and I all I could think about was the fact that I was now in hell. I knew that just one month ago, before we had Aspen, I could’ve easily handled this situation, but now, trying to hold a crying baby, while caring for a puking kid and an emotionally distraught little girl, felt like too much.

Suddenly having three kids felt like drowning.

I coached Tristan out of his puke soaked clothes and into his PJ’s. Got him into bed with a puke bowl, all the while listening to Aspen cry, and Norah telling me I was a mean daddy.

Once I finished with Tristan, Mel was back. She took Aspen into the living room to feed her.

I went into Norah’s room. She had her face buried into her pillow, hands over the back of her head.

I told her I was sorry and she said, “Go away, Daddy.”

“That’s too bad,” I said. “As the fairy king, I really wanted to see you fly again. Perhaps I could even help.”

She looked up at me and tried not to smile, but I could see it creeping into the side of her face.

“Do you want to fly like a fairy?” I asked.

She stood up, put the towel on her arms, and I lifted her up, and carried her around the house for a while. Suddenly we were good again. I got her into bed, and the house was quiet.

Two hours had been lost.

I sat down next to Mel. She was still feeding Aspen. I told her what happened while she was away.

“I don’t ever want to be alone with all three of them ever again,” I said. “That was hell. What were we thinking having three kids?”

“What are you complaining about?” Mel asked. “I’m going to be alone with them every day.”

I looked at her in the eyes, and asked, “How are you going to keep from going crazy?”

Mel let out a breath and said, “I. Don’t. Know.”

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times Motherlode, Huffington Post Parents, Huffington Post Weddings, and The Good Men Project. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo by Lucinda Higley


Diana said...

HeHeHe. Thanks for the giggles. It takes me back in time. The first time I had all three crying (I don't remember why at this point), I said to the last one to start crying: "No crying allowed. There is a rule here that only two kids are allowed to cry at a time. You're gonna have to wait your turn." The two kids crying were both so shocked that they both stopped crying to look at me to see if I was serious. (The baby kept going) I thought to myself "Hey it worked!" One of them asked why, and I told that them " that I just might go crazy, and believe me, NO ONE wants mommy to go crazy." I used it again repeatedly with a 50% success rate - it was a toss up. But soon the kids kinda believed that there really was a no three kid crying rule. (snicker, snort, giggle) Thanks for the reminder.

Clint said...

That is awesome! I am totally going to try it.

Mike Wrigley said...

Our third is due within the week. Thanks for scaring the pants off me!

Oh and I'm definitely stealing the no three kids crying rule.

April, Momoffour said...

Absolutely hilarious. Totally sounds like my life. We have 4 boys. It's like we were trading water in the deep end, and then someone threw us a baby. .. great post! So true. Just when you think "I got this" all he'll breaks loose.