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Over the years, getting the kids to bed has become my nightly duty. That is, if I’m not stuck at work or something. After being at work all day, getting the kids to bed really is the only quality time I have with my children. As much as I enjoy it, I have realized, though, that I go through a series of emotions while getting the kids to bed. They range between frustration, love, madness, accomplishment, and hope. Below are a few of the thoughts I’ve had while trying to get my kids ready for bed.
It’s bath time. Why are you not naked?
You need to take your socks off before you get in the bath. I want to get mad about this, but I do it all the time.
How hard is it to use the potty before you get in the tub? If you were taking a shower, I’d just tell you to let it happen… like I do. There is something wrong with me.
You just hit your brother’s penis with a rubber ducky. Really? Is there something wrong with you?
Why did you laugh when your sister hit you in the crotch with a rubber ducky? My children are future sexual deviants.
You look adorable with a bubble beard.
Why are you still naked? Why!? You’ve been out of the tub for 20 Minutes. Is this a trend… or something? Why are you bending over while naked? No one want’s to see that. Will you ever put clothes on your body again? Am I going to catch you one day in a trench coat and tube socks hanging out in Central Park?
Ugh! Combing your hair is such a joke. I didn’t pull that hard. If you don’t stop running away I’m going to shave you bald. (I may have actually said this one.)
They don’t eat dinner, and I give them a snack at bedtime. Father fail. I’m so tired. I’m so hungry. Once they are asleep I’m going to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
You brushed your teeth for what…10 seconds? Your teeth are going to rot out of your head, and I don’t even care right now. I just want to go to bed.
Riding me like an elephant to your room really hurts my back. But it’s adorable, so I will do it. Obviously I’m your bitch.
If I have to read “The Day The Crayons Quit” one more time, I’m going to light the book on fire.
It is very difficult to stay awake with both of you snuggling against me. Really feeling the love right now.
What you are doing is really cute, so I will allow you to stay up longer. Once again, I’m your bitch.
Go! To! Sleep!
And I’m surching the house for Bun Bun. Really sick of looking for this thing. I’m going to ask Mel to make Bun Bun disappear. I sound like a mob boss. I just want to go to sleep. I wish someone would make me disappear.
Both kids are sleeping, and it’s not quite 10 p.m. There still might be time for sex.
What thoughts do you have while getting your kids ready for bed?
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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo by Lucinda Higley