Sunday, July 13, 2014

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Crazier Things Said When Up Late With Kids


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A few months ago I posted a list of crazy things said in the night while up with kids. It was a big hit and ended up on the Huffington Post. It was also translated into German. This was definitely a first for me. When I used Google translate on the German translation, I sounded crazy!

Anyway, Mel and I have a new baby. Now we have three kids getting us up in the night. We’ve been up a lot, so it seemed right to do a part II of Crazy Things Said When Up Late With Kids.  Just a refresher. Mel and I realize that what we are saying in the night is drafted somewhere between dream and reality, and not representative of our regular feelings towards each other or the kids. Therefore, we decided early in our marriage to not hold grudges because of what was said in the night. Below are a few examples.

Stop asking me for Reese's Pieces. It’s four a.m.! I’m going to eat them all! Right in front of you. And you will have none, and I will have a tummy ache. I hate everything right now.

The baby just pooped on my hand and you have gas! It smells like death. I swear, if you fart one more time I’m going to kill you.

Tristan wet the bed. I took off his pants and put down some towels. It’s cool.

Listen, I know that your tummy hurts. I get that. But you need to puke in the bowl… OK. It’s not that hard. Just stick your stupid face in there and let out your stupid puke into the stupid bowl!

I don’t know what’s going on. Norah is a kitty and looking for tickle spiders and it smells like old people.

Why am I crying?! Because every time I fall asleep the baby cries, or you kick me, or Norah asks for a blanket. Every time! This is why parents drive into the ocean.

Sometimes, when I’m up with the kids like this, it feels like I’m in a dark hole.

You are seven years old! Get your own drink of water. What you are scared of in the kitchen isn’t half as frightening as what I’m about to become.

How are you sleeping through this? Is sleep your mutant power?

If you go to sleep right now, I’ll give you a whole box of cookies for breakfast.

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter
Photo by Lucinda Higley


Danielle Petersen said...

My husband and I have a list of things that we never thought we would say such as "don't eat your brother" or "don't lick the windows" (the latter happening more often than you would think). We have 4 boys so it gets crazy here. I live in a testosterone sea but wouldn't change it for anything!

Mindy said...

Oh my gosh, dying!