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On 7/15 The Huffington Post published my list of 10 Things I'd Love to Do to My Children Once They Are Adults. There were some really funny comments on Facebook when Huffington Post shared the list. I’m surprised by how many parents had thought about imaginary revenge. I went through and compiled 20 of my favorite comments. (No edits were made to these posts.)
1. Barge into the bathroom while my daughters pooping and demand Popsicles.
2. Watch them spend an hour making dinner after a long day at work, then refuse to eat it and (not very discretely) drop it on the floor "accidentally" as an excuse not to
3. I'm going to come into my children's' rooms at 4am and wake them up just to talk about old people stuff.
4. I'm going to poop in my son's shoe on Christmas Eve.
5. I'm going to tell her daughter's pediatrician that she sometimes says cuss words when she helps her daughter with her homework.
6. I'm going to use their bathroom with a house full of guests and scream for them to wipe my butt.
7. I'm going to go to their Thanksgiving dinner after they've slaved away for two+ days and demand a peanut butter sandwich.
8. I'm going to tell my daughter's best friend that she'd have a man if she didn't have so many cats.
9. I am going to pull my daughter's bikini bottom down in front of all her friends at the pool and laugh about it with her husband for years.
10. I'm going to knock and whine at the bathroom door for five minutes straight while they try and peacefully use the toilet.
11. Yell throughout the house asking where they are.. And when they answer they are in the bathroom.. Bust in and ask, "what are you doing? Did you poop? What's for lunch? Can I sit with you?"
12. I would change the settings in my sons phone so every time he typed "the" it said "weiner" instead.....
13. I’m going to shart in my underwear and leave them on the bathroom floor.
14. I will touch my daughter's legs and scream, in public, "Ouch! You feel like a cactus!"
15. Smear poop on their bedroom walls!
16. 1.Poop in the toilet and NOT flush it! 2. Throw chicken nuggets and French fries all over their brand new car and smear ketchup on the door handles. 3. Leave the refrigerator door open and the milk on the counter overnight!
17. I'm just going to ask them for money every day. And to buy me things whenever we're out.
18. I am going to get a basket full of my stuff and just sprinkle it all over their house.
19. Go over for dinner, and complain that there is nothing good to eat. Pee all over the bathroom floor, and not say anything about it (this applies to my 3 boys), and last complain that I never get to pick the cartoon and it's not fair!
20. I'm just going to barge into their rooms every morning at 515 am and yell "ITS MORNING TIME WAKE UP!" Then get all crabby an hour later and cry about everything because I'm tired.
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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, and a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His essays on parenting and marriage have been featured in New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo by Lucinda Higley