My kids get up early. They always have. Until Tristan, our oldest, was four, getting him to sleep past 5 a.m. felt like a huge accomplishment. Norah, our middle child, has been a little better, but even now, with Tristan (seven) and Norah (five), unless the kids are sick, or the stars are aligined, we can’t get our kids to sleep past 6:30. It’s maddening. It was particularly bad when I was working as a bartender during my undergrad and often didn’t get home until after midnight, and then had to be on campus early for classes. Mel and I have said some crazy things early in the morning. Here are a few examples.
Names have been removed to protect the innocent.
The rule is you can’t get up before the sun! Do you know what the sun is? Because you are going to know a lot more about the sun when I start making you sleep outside.
I put Frozen on repeat. We should be good for another three hours.
If you get your sister some cereal, I’ll watch Pokémon with you. That’s how much this means to me.
Stop crying. It's too early for this. I should be the one crying, not you.
I told her she could play in the sink as long as she’s quiet and doesn’t drown.
It’s 5 a.m. Check your own stupid butt!
We are out of Corn Flakes. Out! I just want to die.
If you keep the kids quiet and let me sleep, I’ll have sex with you.
Just eat the ice cream out of the carton and let me sleep. I don’t care anymore.
You are seven. You can figure out TV cables.
Whoever came up with the phrase, “sleep like a baby” was obviously infertile.
I know. You have boobs. You were up feeding the baby, and somehow that means I have to get up before six. I wish I had boobs right now.
What are some of the crazy things you’ve said early in the morning?
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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.