After 7yrs of marriage, a lost pregnancy, and 4 healthy kids later (including twins), my husband and I have been through a lot. We’ve said all the right things while we were dating and a lot of the wrong things after we got married, yet somehow we managed to keep it together. We worked hard to get pregnant and have the children that we do, so we greatly appreciate our family as do most people. However, being pregnant and hormonal can bring out the best and worst of moms-to-be at times, so I thought I’d share these goodies with you. And before you ask, yes these things really did happen to us!
“You can use me as your snuggle pillow.” No, I can’t. You’re hard, lumpy in spots that don’t fit my bulging belly, hot and sweaty, and you snore. None of these things are conducive to a good night’s sleep while I’m carrying your child. Oh, wait, that’s right, there is NO way to have a good night’s sleep while being pregnant!
“Did you want to split this apple with me?” Wow, you must really think I’m fat that now you’re offering me fruit when I clearly want ice cream! Feed me pickles, potato chips, candy, and pizza, but do NOT offer to feed me fruit. I can eat from that non-fun food group all on my own when the mood strikes me!
“Here, let me help you with that.” Look, just because I’m pregnant does not mean that I can’t do things for myself anymore. Yes, I may trip over an occasional shoe that YOU left out because I can’t see it over top of my very large belly. And yes, I may run into a wall here and there because my center of gravity is off. But damn it I can open my own can of yummy canned ravioli for dinner! Well, unless it has one of those pull off tops, then you can help so I don’t slice my finger off.
“Can I rub your feet for you?” No, you’re not getting any tonight. I’m freaking 40 weeks pregnant and ready to pop like a balloon at any minute and that is the absolute last thing on my mind! Wait, you say there’s a chance that it could push me into labor? Ok, I’m in…let’s go!
“Honey, you look like you’re in a lot of pain now, can I do something?” Yes, you get this giant baby out of me in under a minute without any pain and distortion to my lady parts! You can quit that nice talk and man up by holding legs when I’m ready to push! And you can turn off the damn football you turned on when I was in too much pain to protest!
“This sure is taking a long time (aka labor and delivery), and I’m really hungry. I think I’ll go get a snack. Can I get you one?” Can you get me one? Seriously?? Lord help me but if I was not confined to this bed with pain like I’ve never felt before in my entire life, I would get up, run, and tackle you to the ground. If my contractions would stop long enough for me to catch my breath and yell profanities at you for saying such a stupid thing to me I would. And if you even THINK about bringing those “snacks” back with when I’ve been in labor for almost 60 hours now, I will seriously kick you out of your own child’s birthing room (you know, in between contractions when I can yell at you to get out)!
“We’ve been here a long time. I think I’ll head home for the night.“ Are you kidding me? You’re going to complain about being here a long time when you’ve done nothing but watch football, read the paper, and grab a few snacks?? I’ve just birthed a watermelon-sized baby out of my lady parts for you, again after 60 hours of an extremely painful labor because the damn epidural didn’t work right! And now after I’m completely exhausted and still in a lot of pain, they are going to continue to bring my new bundle of joy into my room every 2 hours and thrust him onto my breast, which up until this point was the only thing that didn’t hurt. But hey, sure, you go home and get some uninterrupted sleep!
“Even though I don’t know what to do and you’re so much better at, I’ll change the baby’s diaper IF you want me to try.” Funny, right? I believe I used to use this line with my mother as a teenager when she told me I had to clean the bathrooms. Better yet I did a really crappy job at cleaning them and then she took over. So as you can see, dear hubby, you’re messing with the wrong chick here. I’ll match your weak attempt at an offer of help and raise you a “hell yeah, here are the wipes!”
“You look so beautiful.” Um, yeah, just because the doctor says no “hanky-panky” for 6 weeks does not give you an immediate “get lucky” card when the time is up. Last time I checked it was still up to me and nah, I’m still not feeling it. Maybe after you rub my feet, feed me some pizze, and change the baby’s diaper I’ll be in the mood.
“Do you really need me to help with sleep training the twins?” No, dear, you just go sleep in the other room while I struggle to sleep train our 7mo old twins, because after all you have a “real” job and I’m just a stay-at-home mom. My sleep and sanity are not nearly important as yours, so no, I got this.
Ronee Welch lives in PA with her husband and their 4 children (ages 2yrs-14yrs). Sleep training her twin girls would eventually lead to her life’s calling – to be a certified Child Sleep Sense Consultant. If you have a young child (aged newborn through early elementary) with sleep issues, Ronee can help. She offers free phone evaluations, to discuss your child’s unique sleep needs. Visit her website at www.sleeptasticsolutions.com and her Facebook page to learn more. Mention “No Idea What I Am Doing: a daddy blog” and receive a $25 discount off any Sleeptastic package