Sunday, October 26, 2014

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What I’d Like To Say to People Who Touch My Baby



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Babies makes people feel comfortable breaking social barriers. I don’t like it. Mel and I have a 6-month-old daughter, and it seems like someone is always reaching out to pinch her chubby thighs. Just because it’s a baby doesn’t mean you can invade her personal space. I mean honestly, if I went around pinching strangers thighs and telling them how chubby and cute they were, I’d be arrested. However, this is socially acceptable with a baby. I’ve tried to tell people to back off, and they get offended… like they are entitled to touch babies … like they are not making strange faces and groping a child. Below is a list of notorious baby touchers I’ve encountered and what I’d like to say to them.

Old Lady In The Checkout Line: Just because we are trapped together at a register does not give you permission to pinch my baby’s thighs. I don’t care how cute she is, or how long it’s be since you held a baby. Yes, I plan to cherish the time with my baby. Thank you for the unprompted advice. Let’s be candid. You smell like moisturizer and cigarettes. Your teeth are black and filled with breadcrumbs, and I don’t know when you last washed your hands. Do me a favor. Buy your shit and leave.

Kid Between The Ages Of 7 and 12: I entered the room holding a baby and you put your arms out and stumbled towards us saying, “baby” like a zombie. You are not funny. Please stop. When was the last time you picked your nose and ate it? Or picked at your butt because you didn’t wipe good enough? 5, maybe 10 minutes ago. You will not place your poopy, booger hands on my 6 month old! This is not a doll. This is a person. Go wash your hands.

Drunk Man At McDonald’s Wearing an Army Coat: Your eyes are glossy and your breath is sweet. You can hardly stand. Most of your teeth are missing. You’ve lived a hard life, and I’m sorry that it’s been so long since you’ve seen your daughter, but there is no way in hell I am letting you hold my child with your blackened, callused hands.

Middle-Aged Woman With 4 Kids Whose Husband Has Said No to Another Baby: I’m not sure what it is about me having baby that made you comfortable confiding in me.  But it’s not my obligation to provide you with a “baby fix.” Your glossy eyes filled with longing and twisted smile freak me out. If I handed my baby to you, I suspect you’d run to the parking lot.

Elderly Couple In Department Store: I don’t care how much my baby looks like your granddaughter. Please step away from the stroller. Sir: your grey bird is dusting my child with dandruff. Ma’am: your legs are trembling in those turquoise colored sweatpants, and I’m afraid you are going to fall. We don’t know each other. Perhaps if you were family, or even friends, I’d allow this. But honestly, you ambushed me in a department store. It was creepy.

30-Something Woman Trying To Get Her Husband To Have A Baby: I get it. You want a baby bad, and you assume that if you keep showing your husband cute babies he will eventually give in. Look at the terror in his eyes. He’s not interested. I can’t solve solve your problem. Forcing your husband to hold strange babies is like trying to help someone cope with a fear of clowns by taking them to the circus.

Woman in Mart-Cart: You nearly ran me over trying to get a look at my baby. I’m sorry that your husband left. I’m sorry that your kids are grown and don’t talk to you anymore. I don’t understand why you are telling me all this. I’m not sure how to help you, but what I can say is that your willingness to confide in a stranger is scary. The last thing I’m going to do is place my child in your flabby arms so you can press her face against your muumuu.

What would you like to say to people who touch your baby?

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Stephanie Schwarz said...

As I recall, the first thing you did when we last met was to exclaim at length about the chubbiness of your daughter's thighs and tempt me to pinch them. Me thinks you may be bring this on yourself.