Last year I posted some of the stories my four-year-old daughter Norah likes to tell about when she was a baby. She is now five, and still at it, so I decided to do another. These stories are always hilarious, and always a little strange.
This one time, when I was a baby, I went to the mall and bought a Cinderella dress, and shoes, and a monkey, and a ball of yarn. Then I put them all on, and went to the ball, where there were lots of spiders. Then I told the spiders that they were my babies, and the spiders went, “awww… I love you mommy.” And then we ate a string cheese.
This one time, when I was a baby, I went to the top of a mountain to fight a monster. But the monster ate me. And I said, “Hey monster, I don’t like it in here!” So the monster ate a baby sheep and we became best friends!
This one time, when I was a baby, my diaper was full of peanut butter cups, and I ate them, but they tasted like boogers. I said, “I don’t like boogers.” Then I ran, and ran, and ran, and ran… to the ocean to find a fish.
This one time, when I was a baby, I pooped in the tub. Then I went Wa! Wa! Wa! Then Bulbasaur (Pokémon) came to give me a cookie. Then we got married. I just love my prince.
This one time, when I was a baby, I built an ice castle and was all alone. I got sad, so made a baby snow man, and he made me laugh and laugh and laugh. But then the snowman ate me! So I climbed, and climbed, and climbed, out and said, “Don’t eat me!” And he didn’t. Then we had a million babies.
This one time, when I was a baby, mommy turned into a swordfish.
This one time, when I was a baby, I climbed up a tree and found a big stinky birdie. I said, “Birdie, why are you so stinky icky poopy?” Then the birdie said, “Because I love you.” Then I kissed the birdie and he turned into a Popsicle.
This one time, when I was a baby, I went into the yard and found a wolf. I got really scared, but then I ate it. But then the wolf said, “Don’t eat me,” so I didn’t because he was Strawberry Shortcake.
You would also enjoy, The morning my five-year-old demanded toast
Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.