Thursday, January 22, 2015

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23 The Foulest things YOU have done as parents


 
Photo by Gordon

 

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Parents do some nasty things while raising kids. But I didn’t realize just how nasty until I posted this question on my Facebook fan page, “What is the foulest thing you've had to do as a parent?” I read through all the responses, and let’s just say you are all solders. Below are a few of the really nasty ones.

1.     Clean poop out from the bottom of my fingernails. Didn't realize I missed a spot and thought there was a piece of food underneath it and used my teeth to get it out....

2.     The dog pooped on the floor and the crawling baby found it - and ate some of it - before I found out.

3.     Play day at the park. Held my (at the time) 6-month-old above me playing airplane and singing to him. He puked in my mouth. I then proceeded to throw up on the grass, the smell upset my oldest stomach and he puked all over the front of him and me. He had to walk two blocks home like that...

4.     I have been nit picking all day. Lice!!!! In all 3 of my girls hair! Not how I wanted to spend my five days off.

5.     Chop up my daughters poop in a friend’s toilet because it was sooo huge it wouldn't go down. We did it discreetly w/ a pencil.

6.     Clean poop out of the knobs of my brand new surround sound receiver.

7.     I took my one year olds diaper off right before bath, he took off naked to my living room pooped on my floor, got it on his hands and touched the knobs on the receiver. I used q-tips to clean it out. It was a Bose too! Smh!

8.     My son came by my bed in the middle of the night. He said his stomach hurt. Before I could get up he started throwing up. I pulled him into bed to let him throw up all over me. I figured the bed and I were easier to clean than the carpet.

9.     Rectal stimulation.. Aka Helping baby poop.

10. Pull a hard poop out of babies butt. It got stuck half way out.

11. Fishing tub toys and a kid out of a tub full of floating poop.

12. Getting puked on in the middle of a restaurant. It keeps coming so I try to run to the bathroom, but end up leaving a trail of vomit along the way. Get my son all cleaned up and changed. I take my shirt and bra off and zip up my jacket, since they are covered in barf. Go back to the table and our food has finally arrived, and the waitress had put our dinner right next to a puddle of vomit.

13. My daughter decided to rip off her diaper and her poop went on the floor ...it was that rabbit poop type....my son was crawling and found it. Yep. He put it in his mouth...had to fish it out. Gag.

14. After my son woke up from his nap (or so I thought he had slept) he proceeds to inform me that he "swallowed money's from his new coin jar". I ran to check his coin jar and sure enough $1.70 was missing. Called the pediatrician who told us to catch every bowel movement and pick out all the coins until every last one was accounted for. That evening after work my husband was watching the kids while I went to a meeting. The look on his face was priceless when I gave him the instructions from the Pediatrician. His response, "do I have to do that too?"

15. Watching my son pee on his face & in his mouth while I used a diaper to catch the projectile blowout coming out the other end!! Super Gross!!!

16. I had to hold my daughter down while an ER Doctor cleared an impacted bowel.

17. Hold a puke bucket for my 5 year old while breastfeeding a newborn baby. Multitasking.

18. Plucking poopy baby wipes out of the clogged toilet filled with poo! Thanks son. LOL!

19. I was always anti play place areas. They seem so gross to me. So my son up to age 4 had never been in one Then at a family event my husband gave him the go. And the first and only time he went into one, he came out covered in someone else's puke.

20. My son stuck tissues up his nostrils when he was about 18 months old. There was so much up there we couldn't get it out. As it was in the evening we had to go to the hospital. The nurse said I needed to give him mouth to mouth and a sharp blow. It worked, but when we looked up, the gooey snot ball had landed on the nurse’s hand!!! I could have died!!

21. Watch the movie my husband took of my c-section. I asked him to film the baby and he thought I meant the procedure as well. The doctor was literally pumping my stomach to get the baby out.

22. Had to politely ask company to leave after going to check in on my 1 & 2 yr old boys who were tucked neatly into bed/crib since they shared a room. Yup, they were quiet alright. The 2-year-old helped remove the 1-year-old's diaper, which was conveniently full of crap, and they proceeded to paint the bedroom.
We tore out carpet that evening. That's the night my boys learned the word "shit" because...If it's not in a toilet or a diaper, it means I have to clean it up. If I have to clean it up, I'm not using Mommy-talk...I'm calling it what it is....SHIT.

23. My then 6 no old daughter sneezed just before the diaper went up and a substance similar to thin, sticky guacamole, shot out her rear and onto my forearm!


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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.  


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