Monday, January 5, 2015

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28 of the stupidest questions YOU have heard about parenting


 
Photo by Swaminathan

 

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In late December 2014 Scary Mommy published my list, “The 7 Stupidest Parenting Questions I’ve Heard.” The post was funny, but the comments were hilarious. Parents started chiming in on some of the stupidest parenting question they have heard. I went through all 400 of them, and picked out some of my favorites.

Letter from pre-school said “your son has a LIFE THREATENING allergy to peanuts. Does that mean he can’t eat peanut butter?”

Are you getting enough sleep? Are you friggin serious. How much is enough? Enough to not commit homicide, yeah sure.

I get “are they all yours?” I’m like “No, I just walk through the store and children flock to me like woodland creatures to a princess.”

The question “How do you manage 4?” makes me want to scream. Obviously not very well or I wouldn’t be in the checkout line, crying, begging them to get their little fingers off the candy, while wearing pajama pants.

We have 4 kids ages 20, 15, 11 and 3. On more then one occasion I’ve asked “Are they all by the same father?”

“Are you going to try for a girl?” How the hell do you try for a girl? Tell me what position that is and I’ll happily rock my husband’s world!

“Are you going to have another?” Why don’t you hand me your sexual schedule first, then we might talk.

“When are you going to have number three?” Like my 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son aren’t enough. They’re both out of diapers, in school, and starting to help with chores around the house. Do you REALLY think I want to add a baby to that?! No thank you.

“Were you ready to have kids when kids when you did?” My response- not at all, but they must have been ready for me.

I am a thin person. I have 6 kids. People will ask me where I carried them. In my uterus…like everyone else. 

“Oh, you’re a SAHM? What do you DO all day? Why don’t you get a job??” *resist urge to punch in the throat*

“Is Bryan (the father) babysitting?” Ummm no…he’s parenting.

“How come you don’t have time for anything anymore?”

“Do you let your kids watch TV?” Ummmmm, yeah. I like taking showers and I sometimes I need to do laundry, thank you very much.

“Why are you so tired?” -asked to me one week after giving birth.

“Do you have to touch his penis?” -about changing my son’s diaper.

On almost every outing with my boy/girl twins – “are they identical?” Ummm no, he has a penis and she has a vagina…

“Wow, you don’t look old enough to have four kids? Did you start early?”
Why, yes, my first child’s name is Extracurricular Activity.

“I haven’t been pregnant yet but I can’t believe you want an epidural.” Why would you do that?!”

“Oh, you got to relax at the hospital a couple extra days!” Yeah, I’m telling you, that hospital food and super (not) comfy bed with my newly broken pelvis and a baby crying because my milk wouldn’t come it…man it was like a vacation.

“How do you keep it alive??” Uhhh… By avoiding the things that kill it…

“Is the baby sleeping through the night yet?” No. Just no. Please don’t remind me how many times I have been up.

If you are a vegetarian, what do you feed your kids?

“Are they worth it?” It’s like asking, “Will those kids one day become disposable income?”
“She’s so pretty! Is she yours??” Nope. I’m just the ugly nanny. Her beautiful mother is at home and cannot be bothered with things such as grocery shopping.

My former childless boss asked me if I bathe my kids in the morning before work. Umm… you’re lucky if I’m bathed in the morning…

“Why don’t you just manage your time better? That way you get everything done and you arrive on time.” Last time I checked it’s hard to plan when my kid pukes on me.

I don’t understand why you can’t shower.



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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter

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