Tuesday, January 20, 2015

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Foulest things I’ve done as a parent

Photo by TJ Wolfe

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Parenting is not all hugs and peekaboo. Sometimes being a parent means doing some nasty shit. Here are a few of my personal worst.

Cleaned vomit diarrhea mixture: My son was 8 months old when he contracted a spectacular virus that turned his anus and stomach into little fountains of nastiness. I came into his room one night to find him reaching up from a bog of green and black fluid resting atop is crib liner. The smell made my tummy sad, and I will admit, I looked at him for several seconds trying to decide if it really was my obligation to pick him up. Part of me wanted to just leave him in the filth and start over with a new child. Eventually I did, however, decide to pluck him from the crib, place him in a warm bath. It took Mel and I some time to clean up the mess because we had to stop, step from the room, and gag at least 3 times.

Had a child’s booger placed in my mouth: When my first daughter was three, we had this game where I’d put something from my dinner in her mouth, and she would place something from her dinner in mine. It was a way to get her to try new things. And it worked, for the most part. I’d tell her how excited I was for her to try something, and my excitement often got her excited. Every time I’d give her something new I’d say, “Yum, Yum, Yum.” This really backfired once she decided that boogers were delicious. After a few failed attempts, one day she managed to cram one of her boogers in my mouth as I was on the sofa reading. I should probably admit that the thought of it was much worse than the actual taste. Norah’s boogers tasted a lot like mine, a rich salty flavor I can still recall from my childhood. 

Fished keys from used toilet: Last summer I found my keys in a toilet full of yellow water. To this day, I’m still not sure who placed them there, but I suspect my middle daughter. She was in the middle of a water fascination. Although, It could have easily been my older son. I try not to think that it was my wife, because then I’d have to assume that she secretly hates me, or has a fetish over me touching her own pee. None of those are rooms I’d like to enter. Long story short, I tried fishing it out with a few things: coat hanger for example. But I just couldn’t get the right angle. Finally I had to just reach in for the bastards.

Dug poo from a toddler’s butt: This was not me, actually. This is a story from my wife. But it’s just too foul to pass up. Our first daughter had some major problems with constipation. She must have been three-years-old. One day, while I was at school, Norah flat out couldn’t poo.  Mel gave her a little examination, and could see the poo stuck in her butt. My wife, the champ that she is, rolled up her sleeves and dug that poop out with her pinkie finger. Norah remembers none of this, which is both good and bad. Good because she will not be emotionally crippled from reliving the memory when she’s older. Bad because Mel will not get the life long credit and respect that she deserves for plucking a turd out of someone’s ass.

Plucked a turd from the tub: This has been a problem for parents ever since children stopped being bathed in natural bodies of water. When my oldest son first pooped in the tub, I assumed that if I pulled the plug it would simply go down with the water. I was wrong. Rather it broke into a few pieces and got wedged in the drain. I tried to force it down with water pressure, but it resisted, and eventually I had to dig it out with my hands. I learned a lot about what will and will not go down the tub drain, and have since changed the way I approach this situation.

What are some of the foulest things you’ve done as a parent?

You would also enjoy,  Fits In Public Mean Good Parenting

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.  


Unknown said...

I can't believe you didn't mention worms creeping out of the anus while the child sleeps...