Friday, February 20, 2015

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29 of the Craziest things YOU have done while up with a baby

Photo by Christopher

I posted a list of crazy things I’ve said while up in the night with a baby on Scary Mommy. The list went viral and the comments were hilarious. Here are some of my favorites.

1.     I asked my husband if he had a c-section too….I also woke him up numerous times during the night asking where the baby was when she was sleeping soundly next to me…

2.     I told my husband one night ” I need to use the sleep”

3.     If you don’t go back to sleep I’m sending you to grandma’s until your 5.

4.     I yelled at my sleeping husband, “Maybe if you’d fed her more the FIRST time, she would’ve slept longer!” And proceeded to angrily shuffle back across the house. I breastfeed.

5.     I have told my hubby “it’s your turn” & he says “um, my boobs don’t work”.

6.     I remember shrieking “WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT!!!!” And he just blinked at me in silence.

7.     I saw a picture on the internet once that got tons of bad comments because a mom had duct taped the baby’s binky to its mouth. I now know what it’s like to fight that urge myself.

8.     My husband was holding our youngest and I tried to put the pacifier in his mouth instead of the babies.

9.     I’m gonna throw you away because you’re broken!

10. “What is your major malfunction?!” That’s right, I quoted Full Metal Jacket to my beautiful baby girl.

11. “Lily! You have to be quiet! The walkers are going to get us!

12. I remember nursing my baby in bed, a few weeks old at the most, and my husband was sleeping next to me. I got so mad he was sleeping I woke him up- I just yelled, ‘if I can’t sleep- you can’t sleep!’ I was so exhausted! Poor guy!

13. I was so sleep deprived with my first I started muttering at 2am “this is not my baby, someone took my baby”. My husband thought I had cracked up. I probably did.

14. I just gave birth 4 days ago and every night I find myself singing “the number of the day” from Sesame Street. Every single night… The number is 3.

15. “I’m gonna change you, so stop freaking out. Stop freaking out or I will change you into a whole new baby!”

16. I sent angry text messages to husband at 4am threatening to murder him for sleeping peacefully while I was up all night for three months.

17. I told my sleeping, snoring husband one night on the fifth wake up call from our darling breastfed baby and in a batshit crazy housewife whisper, “I’m going go smother you in your sleep.”

18. I walked into our room and, after an especially long, failed attempt to get my first son to sleep, I said to my husband, ‘I need you to take him from me NOW, or one of us is going out the window…’

19. I don’t remember saying anything but one time I laid her on the couch to go to the bathroom and sat on her when I came out.

20. I once whispered to my 3-week-old baby ” please stop crying or I’ll put you outside with the pumpkins and the deer will eat you!” So apparently deer are carnivores.

21. Husband was walking out the he door said to me “the baby is crying'” response….”I know, I’m gonna eat her in a minute!”..

22. “Why are you doing this to me if I love you, whyyyyy?!”

23. I asked my partner where the other baby was and accused him of losing it. There was only one baby.

24. Last week I asked my husband if he needed a stool softener in my sleep. I’ve been taking them like candy lately.

25. There’s no ketchup in the house?! How can I raise a baby if I can’t even keep ketchup in the house!!!

26. “Stop screaming at my nipple, it’s right there.”

27. “Lily, if you don’t stop crying the Goblin king is going to come get you and I’m not good at mazes”.

28. My baby had been in the hospital for 6 days. I was afraid to put him down because I was worried they would do something and I wouldn’t know. I didn’t have anyone there with me so I could sleep. On day five a doctor was trying to talk to me but I was literally trying so hard to wake up enough that all I could do was blurt out, “Sheep tits.” I have no reference point in my life to even guess why I had that combination of words stored.

29. I told my then-9-month-old daughter I would love her forever no matter what, but I’d buy her a pony if she would just go the f’ck to sleep.

You would also enjoy, 5 reasons I can’t call you back 

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.  


S.b.k.v.S. said...

Oh, I'm crying with laughter. I suffered from no 23 for at least three months with my never-sleeping first born. And if I didn't wake up thinking "the other baby" was crying I'd wake up thinking she was buried and suffocating under my duvet.