Friday, February 27, 2015

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7 Conversations about our kids that have tested our marriage

Mel and I talk a lot about our kids. We have three of them ranging in age from 9-months to 7-years-old. Regularly one of us comments on our children’s strange behavior or habits, and the other winds up trying to explain why this action is normal because they did something similar as a child. Basically… we are trying to be genetics experts. “She get’s that from me,” is a common phrase. The only problem here is, we wind up admitting to some really strange stuff in an attempt explain a gross or odd action so that our children don’t seem so weird. Which in turn just dusts off some strange childhood thing that should be left in the dark, but ends up coming to the surface and bringing up questions as to whether the person we are married to is actually crazy or disgusting.

Here are a few examples. Names have been removed to protect the innocent.

“The kid only flushes the toilet half the time. Really irritating.”
“When I was his age the sound of the toilet really scared me. I even crapped my pants in third grade because the school toilets were too scary. Let’s keep this between us.”

“He keeps having nightmares. I never had nightmares that young.”
“I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. I crawled in bed with my mother most nights until I was teen. After watching Fire In The Sky, I was seriously afraid that aliens were going to take me in the night and probe my anus… I’ve said too much.”

“Why is she always picking at her butt?”
“I don’t think she wipes good enough. I had that same problem as a kid. Toilet paper kind of freaked me out, so I tried not to use it. I still don’t really like the stuff.”

“His handwriting is horrible. I can’t even read it.”
“I used to write really sloppy so that people wouldn’t know I was a bad speller. Sometimes I still do it. Let’s not talk about it.”

“Ugh… why won’t he just change his underwear?"
“Changing underwear is lame. I didn’t like doing it as a child. I still don’t… Stop looking at me like that.”

“We need to work on getting the kids to stop talking about farts.”
“Why? At their age, farts are serious comedy. I loved talking about farts. It’s normal.”
“You still talk about farts.”
“Farts are funny.”
“Farts are gross. You are a prime example of why we need to nip this in the bud right now.”

“Why are they both so fascinated with the baby’s poop?”
“Poop is fascinating. I spent a lot of time as a child playing with poop. You didn’t want to know that… did you?”

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.