Thursday, March 19, 2015

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10 Strange kids confessions

My kids (8, 5, and 10 months) have made some strange confessions over the years. They are usually a mix of experimentation and curiosity that generate odd unexplained actions. Most of these confessions are awkward, hilarious, and concerning, and they always leave me confused as to how to proceed as a parent.

Here are a few examples. I have removed names to protect the innocent.

Kid: I really like smelling the baby’s poo.
Me: That’s gross.
Kid: (confused face)

Kid: Buttholes make me laugh. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Me: Please put some clothes on.

Kid: Why do I have to wear clothes? Clothes are stupid.
Me (hand on brow): I just want you to have a job someday.

Kid: I scratched my butt. Then I picked my nose and it smelled like poo, so I washed my hands.
Me: Good call.

Kid: The baby’s boogers taste better than mine.
Me: Go brush your teeth.

Kid: I love mom more than dad because dad smells like a dad and that’s icky, but mom smells like a mom.
Me: That actually makes a lot of sense.

Kid: If you didn’t make me change my socks, I’d never change my socks.
Me: Go change your socks.

Kid: I like to eat eggs because they make my burps taste good.
Me: I just want you to get married someday. Not today. But someday.

Kid: Have you ever jumped on the bed while naked? Because I have!
Me (wink at wife): That does sound fun.

Kid: I dropped my toothbrush behind the toilet, but it’s okay I just used it.
Me (gagging):
Kid: What’s wrong?
Me: Just let me sit down.

What are some of the strange things your kids have confessed?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.  
Photo by Lucinda Higley