Tuesday, March 17, 2015

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12 Things I do for my children but would never do for my wife

Mel and I have been married for 10 years and she still gives me chills. I am head over heels for her. When I speak with others about her, I often say, “I’d do anything for her.” But now that I have three children (8, 5, and 10 months) I’m starting to realize that’s not really the case. Children have placed me in situations where I’ve been asked to do things for another person that I’d never do for anyone else, including my wife.

For example, I plan to never:

1.     Stick my face in her butt to check if she’s poopy.

2.     Allow her to go poo while I take a bath.

3.     Forgive her for punching me in the crotch while shopping at Target.

4.     Forgive her for stomping on my crotch while I lounge on the sofa.

5.     Argue with her as to whether or not I can smell her fart.

6.     Allow her to stand on my head while we watch a movie in an attempt to get her to shut up.

7.     Fish her poop out of a bathtub.

8.     Tug open the back of her pants to check if her butt was wiped good enough.

9.     Pay to get her face painted at the farmer’s market and then be understanding when she cries because it wasn’t pretty enough.

10. Explain to church members that the reason she is on the floor throwing a fit is because she didn’t get enough sleep. (In this case I’d probably just pretend I didn’t know her.)

11. Be understanding if she threw my wallet in the toilet in an attempt to be funny.

12. Allow her to bury her face in my chest for the sole purpose of wiping her boogers on my shirt.

What are some of the things you do for you kids but would never do for your partner?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.   


Samantha Hernandez said...

I would never swaddle my husband and rock him to sleep while he thrashed around like a bag of snakes shouting at me that it isn't bed time yet.

Adrian said...

I would never keep letting my husband gently caress my face if I knew full well that 80% of the time this will become a 5-claw scratch/pierce attempt. Somehow the 20% true gentle caress would not be enough of a lure.