|Image by Jacob Botter|
I published a list of things I never should’ve said to my wife while pregnant on Scary Mommy. It went viral, and ended up with some hilarious comments. I sorted through them and found some of the best.
1. My husband (while I was pregnant with my first child) said, “Why are you so freaked out about giving birth, cows do it all the time”. Seriously…cows.
2. Haha! I cried like a baby because I dropped my M&M Blizzard. I mean sat down in the driveway and balled my eyes out! He thought I was crazy. I was devastated damn it!!!
3. “Ew, look at your feet!”
4. At least he didn’t say “your vomiting is psychosomatic, you’re only throwing up because you just think that’s what pregnant women are supposed to do” and “you’re never in the mood anymore, this isn’t what I signed up for”. Yes, my husband said those exact things to me. More than once.
5. When I was pregnant with my first, my husband heard me once complaining that I felt as big as a planet. He deemed it appropriate to say, “No, you’re more like a house. You have a tenant.”
6. My husband looked at my stomach while I was getting dressed to leave the hospital after having our first child and asked, “Is that your stomach?”…news flash…stomach doesn’t just disappear overnight after the baby comes out.
He did learn and by the second child he did not say anything…
7. Mine said “its just so big & weird” like a week before I gave birth and then asked why it hadn’t gone away when I was leaving the hospital. Asshole.
8. Shortly after I gave birth I was walking to the NICU to visit my almost 6 lb. 34 week baby, the nurse said it was hard to believe I just had a baby…meaning I was getting around so well. Baby’s father looked down at my belly and said, “It is hard to believe.” Asshole.
9. I cried in the mall getting a Cinnabun during my 3rd trimester. My husband said he didn’t want one, but I figured I’d get them for the next morning and bought him one anyway. He looked at me and said, “You got me one? I told you I didn’t want one.” I bawled my eyes out right there in middle if the mall and said through sniffles and tears, “I just find it hard to believe someone wouldn’t want a Cinnabun.” So my advice is to just eat the damn Cinnabun.
10. Mine wouldn’t make me a sandwich at midnight when I was 2 weeks away because he was sleeping. My bawling freaked him out so bad he made it for me :) ham sammiches are serious bidness!!
11. My husband, when I was pregnant with our first child said to me, “GOD! You are so overly emotional!” I threw a coffee cup at him.
12. Third trimester I heard, “I’m so tired.” If looks could kill.
13. During labor, my hubby said something to the effect of “just go with it, this is natural, women have babies all the time” and I said “c’mere. I feel like grabbing and twisting your nuts just so you have a small inkling on how much this hurts!” and then I made my sister in law escort him from the room before I made good on my threat.
14. “I think it hurt more when I injured my knee.”
15. Pregnant with twins I was talking a bath and needed help getting up so I wouldn’t slip, so I asked for help getting out, his response, “want me to get the Crisco.” I knew he was joking, but really?!
16. Me: why would they make maternity shorts so short
Husband: they’re not short babe, they just look short because they’re so wide…
17. When I was pregnant I could not get enough of the cheap .99 burritos. But when I ate them, which was often, I needed three. Always three. I came home one day and my husband had dared to eat one. First I cried because what the hell am I going to do with just two burritos?! And then I cried because I knew I would still be hungry. And then I cried because it meant he didn’t love me. Ahhhh good times
18. One day I missed an appointment I think in the beginning of my third trimester, so of course I started crying and freaking out because I’d have to reschedule and my husband said to me, “You’ll be fine. Cave women didn’t have to go to the doctor all the time and they had babies.”
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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.