Friday, March 27, 2015

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Talk To Me In 30 Years - Guest Author Jennifer Lizza

The other day a friend apologized to me on Facebook for running up to me at a swim meet asking me a question and running away to chase her two year old. She was worried I thought she had been rude.  After reading what she wrote I immediately had to think…wait when did she ask me a question, what was it and did I actually answer her?   You see I also have a two year old and I have decided that they are giant CB’s. (No, no get your mind out of the gutter) Two year olds are giant CONVERSATION BLOCKERS.

I mean honestly I cannot remember the last time I was able to have a full conversation or complete a full sentence with someone else when my two year old is around.  I’m pretty sure there have been at least 5 to 85 people in the past two years who I have completely lost contact with simply because they have become convinced that I either have a severe case of adult undiagnosed ADD or that I am always on the verge of a mini stroke. I can’t complete a flipping thought to save my life. I repeat myself. I walk away from people mid- sentence. I walk away and never return or by the time I do actually return the person I was trying to talk to is gone. I forget things, constantly.  I mean if it’s not written down in giant letters, with blinking lights and hanging on my actual forehead I will forget all about it.  This is not a reflection of how important I think things are. It could be my very own birthday and I will seriously forget it. It’s awful. So I want to apologize now. Here goes nothing.

Dear (Insert name here)

I would like to say sorry. I am so sorry that while you were telling me all about one of the most important parts of your day, week, year my two year old thought it would be a perfect time to take a massive poop and announce it to all who were in a 280 mile radius of us. I am sorry that while we are trying to have a very serious conversation about real estate, politics, spouses, careers, reality TV, Dr. Visits, restaurant reviews, a new wine you recommend (do you have some with you now?!) home renovations, family, money, and vacations my two year old repeatedly yelled mommy at the top of his lungs until we both could no longer ignore it.

I am sorry that while we were trying to catch up about life in general my two year old was asking for a snack as if I haven’t fed him in 5 days, 6 hours and 3 minutes. I’m sorry that by the time I got him said snack I literally forgot what we were talking about so we both put up the white flag and surrendered to the fact that we may never know what we were talking about. The conversation we were attempting to have has been put into a secret vault that only toddlers hold the key to.

I am sorry that the friend, sister, daughter, cousin, wife, niece, granddaughter who used to listen to you without any distraction is suddenly like trying to talk to a puppy, on crack, who just saw a squirrel and possibly has to pee. 

Please take note that this is in no way a reflection of how I feel about you. This is just me…oh crap my kid is chucking sand at another kid, oh shit he’s under water, oh my god how is he already up by the playground, HEY PUT THAT ROCK DOWN MR.!!!, What are you eating now??? Is it actual food??? Okay sorry where was I? And THIS is exactly what I mean. Just know that I miss you and I promise when my child turns 3 33 I will be able to sit down and catch up on all the awesome things going on in your life. Until then it’s literally going to be a crap shoot. See you soon in 30 years, for now I surrender to the toddler. 

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Before having children Jennifer thought being a stay at home mom would be a walk in the park. Now that she's doing it she realizes it's more like a run in a zoo (without cages for the animals). She traded in her salary for sloppy kisses, corporate lunches for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and sales meetings for finger painting sessions. Her two boys outsmart her on a daily basis. She writes at Outsmarted Mommy and has been featured online on The Huffington Post, Today Parents, Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, and iVillage Australia. She is also a contributor for Felicity Huffman’s What The Flicka? You can follow Jennifer on Facebook, Twitter and Google +


Jennifer Lizza said...

Thanks for having me today! I would love to stay and chat but my 3yo won't let me. :)

Lori Pepe said...

Yet another fantastic read! The puppy on crack chasing a squirrel made me spit out my water!