Tuesday, April 21, 2015

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10 child contradictions that make me want to park my minivan and run into the woods.

My children have a good habit of defying logic and doing exactly what I don’t expect. At first I assumed they did this because they hate me. But after 8 years and three children I’ve learned that children live under a strange code of contradictions that make no sense and are probably the reason many parents drink. Here are a few examples.

My children love fries, tater tots, potato chips, and many other forms of potato’s, but if I ask them to eat a baked potato they will look at me like I placed a hot steaming turd on their plate.

Regardless of how many hours I invested in teaching my children how to wipe their own butts, they still ask me to check if it’s clean. 

My baby refuses to eat most food while sitting in her highchair, but will eat anything she finds on the floor.

If I put the baby to bed late, she will get up at her usual time or earlier the next day. She does this because she hates me.

My children ignore me unless I’m on the phone, watching a video online, or going poop, then they want my full attention.

The vacuum, blender, and toilet hurt my son’s ears, but he insists on watching Annoying Orange at full volume.

It takes my children about 10 minutes to get all their toys into the living room, and about 2 hours of bitching to get them put away.

My baby refuses to poop in the toilet but loves to poop in the tub.

Regardless of assigned seating in the minivan, my children fight over who is in “their” seat.

If I walk around naked my kids complain, but if I tell them to get dressed they look at me like I’m an asshole.

What are some children contradictions that drive you crazy?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.