Thursday, April 2, 2015

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7 Ridiculous Foods my kids refuse to eat

Image by Eric Fleming

If it were up to my two oldest kids (8 and 5) they would live on a steady diet of dinosaur shaped meat, fish sticks, and crackers. It is up to me as a parent to cram other foods into their faces to keep them healthy, and to keep them from being some grown up asshole at the table asking someone who just spent hours on a lovely meal if they’d be kind enough to make them fish sticks. There are a lot of things my kids refuse to eat without a fight, more than they will eat, honestly, but here are a few that I find to be completely ridiculous.

Baked potatoes: My kids LOVE French fries. They love tater tots. They love potato chips. They love a lot of things that are made from potatoes. But give them a baked potato and they shit. Every time I explain to them all the amazing things they love that are made from potatoes, and every time they look at me as though I’d just placed a big brown steaming turd on their plate for dinner.

Chicken nuggets shaped like the alphabet: Once the store was out of the kids’ usual dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, so I bought them alphabet shaped ones. Same brand. Same mashed meat. They spent a good 20 minutes looking at them on the plate as though the nuggets were a long dark cave, and when I asked them why, my son said, “These are weird.”  We argued about it for a while. I told them it was the same brand. I showed them the bag. But it didn’t matter. The alphabet nuggets have been in my freezer for months now.

Bananas that are the wrong color: my son is a banana racist. If it’s too brown, he just won’t have it. Same goes for bananas that are too green. The main problem is he only decides if the banana is the proper ripeness after taking a bite or two. This means that there is often an open and decomposing banana on my table that didn’t meet his standards.

The cereal in Lucky Charms: Both my kids love Lucky Charms, although I didn’t list them above as part of their regular diet because they really only eat the marshmallows. This means that, next to the half eaten bananas, there is often a bowl of Lucky Charms with no marshmallows. I try to not let the kids have more Lucky Charms until they have eaten the cereal left on the table, but it never works. They are too crafty for that. They wait until it’s early, and they have to be to school, to fight me about getting them more Lucky Charms, and I always cave. And I know what you are thinking. If I just didn’t buy Lucky Charms we wouldn’t have this problem. But here’s the deal. I love Lucky Charms. Why should I be punished because my kids eat like assholes?

Toast cut into squares: Hell hath no fury like a child whose toast was cut into squares rather than triangles.

Chicken nuggets from a drive through that is not McDonalds: The kids have a chicken nugget problem. It seems to be their primary source of protein. I am not proud of this. The sad thing is, though, if we go to a drive through that isn’t McDonalds, and get them nuggets, they act like I don’t understand them. Like I don’t care about what makes them happy. (I better stop there. A McDonalds representative contacted me a few days ago. They asked me to be more favorable to their products. Something I plan to do the moment I don’t get diarrhea after eating there. Long story short, they are watching me.)

School lunch: My kids hate school lunch. They refuse to eat it and insist that we pack them a lunch. This, in turn, has caused school lunch to become a punishment. I use it as a threat to get the kids to clean their rooms, or take a bath. It works every time!

What are some of the ridiculous things your kids won’t eat?

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Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.  


Jennifer Bennington said...

Omg! Yes! I have 4 children, and I am actually bless that 3 of the 4 will eat just about anything I make....they even love veggies, fruit, and salad:) but I have 1 7 year old son..that lives in cereal, plain elbow noodles, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He won't eat any noodle that is not macaroni...I have explained until I ma blue in the face that all noodles are the same...just different shapes, he will not eat any veggies at all...not even corn, he won't eat anything green, or anything that has meat has even touched. It drives me out of my mind. I actually get worried that he will end up in the hospital one day. So I fill him with vitamins, omega 3 fatty acid gummies, and probiotics daily. The struggle is exhausting!