I’ve been coming up on a lot of parenting twitter lists recently. Mashable even listed me as one of the 5 funniest dad’s on twitter. I’ve been mentioned on the Huffington Post, Disney’s Babble, Today Parents (that was for Facebook status update, but it seems to be the same idea). The funny thing is, I don’t really get Twitter. But somehow people have found me and they think I’m doing a good job over there. However, I think some of my funniest 140 character quips are going unnoticed. Bare with me, I’m going to be a little self centered, and put together my own list of my personal favorite tweets from this year. Enjoy! And follow me @byclintedwards.
1. 5yo: take me to that slide.
Me: I sprained my ankle.
5: you could crawl.
M:do you even care about me?
5: you could totally crawl.
2. Wife: what do you want for Father's Day.
Me: sleep, sex, and saturated fats.
Wife: at the same time?
Me: that would be awesome.
3. Confession: I only get mad at my toddler for eating food off the floor when other parents are watching.
4. 90% of parenting is asking kids if they need to pee, and then questioning their answer.
5. I should just change my toddler's name to "put-that-down" or "take-that-out-of-your-mouth."
6. Somewhere between having children and buying a minivan, 7am became sleeping in.
7. I feel sorry for people without kids. I mean honestly, who ignores them?
8. I work at a university and I have a graduate degree, and my wife still proves me wrong.
9. If you want to see a fathers true rage ask him to find some matching kid socks in a dryer full of clean laundry.
10. Wife: I got all three kids in bed by 8:30! Bam!
Me: that is the baddest ass thing you have ever done.
11. Told my 5yo to take her time picking out a gift for her friends b day. So here I am... Waiting for the apocalypse.
12. I'm not saying I'm father of the year, but I did bathe three small children at once, no one drowned, and I didn't spill my diet coke.
13. Me: while you slept I changed 3 poopy diapers.
Wife: that's the sexiest thing you've ever said.
14. 5yo found a floater this morning and is convinced someone broke in to use the toilet. Ironically, I'm 90% she's both the victim and criminal.
15. I got undressed and my toddler laughed. Trying not to take it personal.
16. I mopped underneath the high chair. It would've been easier and more sanitary to light the dining room on fire and start over.
17. No. I do not want to talk about the movie Frozen while I am on the toilet.
18. Because of my 5-year-old I've had to learn how to speak princess, puppy, and unicorn. None of these languages will help me professionally.
19. Parents who can have bath time without yelling at their children are the real heroes.
20. Remember with your first child, when you cared if his hair was combed and he had on both shoes? Ha! Ha! That was a huge waste of time.
Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America,The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post,Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.