My son Tristan is 8-years-old and he has some nasty habits. He is a cute, smart, and charming little boy, but sometimes it’s difficult to see his positive attributes because a fog of fart jokes and booger eating shades them. I don’t know what it is about little boys, but they do some gross things, and sometimes, I look at Tristan and wonder if anyone will ever have him. And I know what you are thinking. He will grow out of it. He will start dating and realize that gross things are not attractive. But here’s the problem. I’m 32 years old and I still think farts are funny. For some men, it’s really hard to grow out of that stage in life. Tristan is a sensitive little guy. The problem with being his father is that I have to walk a fine line. I want to really lay into him, tell him the facts, but every time I get close, he becomes really offended. Then he does it more. Here are a few really candid things I want to say to my son about his nasty habits, but just can’t.
Farting on people:
Farting on people is rude and nasty and it makes you an asshole. One day you are going to fart on some girl that you really like, and you will think you are being funny and charming, when in fact you are being a total asshole. She will look at you with contempt because basically, you just told her that she is the kind of person that people look at and say, “I bet I could fart on her.” You will ruin your chances of dating her, and really anyone she tells about the situation. Then you will go through a really depressed period where you drop out of school, cut your hair into a Mohawk, and live in a garbage can. I don’t want that for you. Do you want it for yourself?
Not properly wiping:
Every time I do your laundry I see a big brown skid in your undies. This is evidence. This shows other people that you just don’t care about yourself. In high school, you will have to change in a locker room. You will have to get undressed in front of other boys. And someone is going to watch you bend over and notice your Indianapolis 500 ass-line and call you out on it. You will be known all over high school as the kid who can’t take a few extra minutes to wipe his ass properly. They will call you Skid Mark. In your yearbook will be this prediction, “most likely to not wipe his ass.”
I ate a booger in front of a girl on the school bus once. Her name was Liz. I thought this girl was really cute at the time, and I thought eating a booger would make her think I was funny like it did with my older brother. I was probably eleven. I put the booger in my mouth, then I stuck out my tongue, and showed it to her. She put her head down, and puked in her lap. Please don’t let your future match my past.
Walking around naked:
Penises are some of the ugliest, shriveled up, sad faced things ever created. Please don’t show yours to everyone.
Properly brushing his teeth:
Every night you bitch about brushing your teeth for two minutes. You fight it. You do silly things like just let the brush sit in your mouth, but refuse to move it around. This has caused your breath to smell like a turd. You often have nasty yellow build up near your gums. Unless you start taking teeth brushing seriously, no one will want to talk to you. You will get into small cars, and the people riding with you will casually place their hands beneath their noses to block out the smell of your nasty ass mouth. You may even be known as poop mouth. No one likes a person with Poop Mouth.
Peeing on the toilet:
You will move out on your own one day. You will have a crappy apartment, and you will invite a girl over to watch a movie, and hopefully get some action. She will ask to use your bathroom, and it will smell like piss. The floor will be sticky, and there will be a yellow trail between the floor and the seat. I know this because I am describing our toilet. This woman will be turned off by your inability to hit the bowl. She may even assume that you have skid marks in your underwear. Then she will refuse to kiss you, or hold your hand, or snuggle, or anything because every time she looks at you, she will see and smell that toilet and be 100% turned off. Listen. You are a smart and charming kid. You have a lot of things going for you. I love you. Please don’t let your pee-smelling toilet define who you are.
Clint Edwards was blessed with a charming and spitfire wife, a video game obsessed little boy, a snarky little girl in a Cinderella play dress, and an angry baby girl. When Clint was 9-years-old his father left. With no example of fatherhood, he had to learn how to be a father and husband through trial and error. His work has been featured in Good Morning America,The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post,Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, Fast Company, and elsewhere. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.